Don’t Stand So Close To Steve!

Good GRIEF! Why is this person inside my 6 feet bubble! Hasn’t he seen the news? Can’t he read the signs posted? Does he not know what the big pieces of red tape on the floor mean? Oh crap! He just coughed! PEACE! I’ll get that “Big Gulp” later!

All I wanted was a nice, icy cold carbonated beverage. I’ve really become fond of “Big Red” again! Yum! Should I get some tacos? Nope, that gal is NOT wearing gloves. Another reason I left. Dammit I forgot cigarettes! I’ll go back in, what are the odds I’ll get sick. I mean, I’m WEARING the ”required by law” PPE. I have one of those professional N95 masks and I have NO idea why. I found it in a bag full of clothes in my trunk that I brought back to Laredo after I lost my job in Arizona due to the “RONA”. Then I called it the “ZONA-RONA”. Ok, thats not what it’s called, but it sounds less threatening than CORONAVIRUS or COVID-19. Those names sound like titles to horror movies. And I’m sure they will be in the future. Anyway, where am I going with this? Oh yeah. As long as I can remember I’ve had problems concentrating. And I can’t remember how long because my memory isn’t so hot either. But back to the story. On March 19th, around noon, I decided to get in my recently purchased Hyundai Sonata and travel back to south Texas to stay with my younger brother Craig. We figured we’d have a nice family quarantine and make the best of it. I don’t know what I’d do without my little brother, but that’s another topic for later. I arrived the next day and have left the apartment only to go to the 7-Eleven occasionally to get some needed supplies. (Big Gulps & cigarettes...which to me are “essential“. It’s ok, Craig has food and I brought plenty of TP) On April 2nd, Laredo decided to make masks mandatory to enter buildings other than our homes. Laredo also implemented a 10pm to 5am curfew. If caught out on the streets of Laredo, (see what I did there?) we can be fined up to $1000 and subject to arrest. Yikes! It’s cool, that’s my sleepy time anyway. But how embarrassing would that be in the Webb County Jail? “Whatcha in for?” “Umm, I wanted a Big Gulp at midnight. You?” I’m sure I’d be giving away my honey bun and juice the next morning so to not be harassed. Not to brag, but I’ve been in many county jails. I know how things work. The strangest thing was having to go into the lobby of my bank...wearing a mask. Talk about strange! My brother uses a bandana, and jokes he’ll complete the ensemble with a cowboy hat. I should have brought him in with me. I wonder if we would have left with a much bigger withdrawal than requested. I HAD to go inside because I needed to talk with a banker, so THAT’S why I needed to wear said mask into said building. Didn’t wanna get fined. But I think wearing these masks outside will start to become a more normal feeling. Seriously, the first time I donned my mask and went in for a Big Gulp I felt a bit silly. Of COURSE I didn’t wanna wear the mask. I felt like I was 8 years old again, with my mother making me wear my goofy winter hat, and me waiting until I was out of sight before I ripped that god awful goofy hat off my head because it just didn’t look “cool”. And yes, my mother was like Ralphie and Randy’s mother in “A Christmas Story“. LAYERS!!! Plus, as an added bit of nerdiness, my mother believed in putting the plastic bread bags over our shoes before we put our winter boots on so our feet would slip out more easily. Good LORD that was embarrassing in 2nd grade! No wonder I couldn’t get laid. “So, your family eats “Roman Meal” bread huh?” Ugh. I hated that bread. I loved going to my Grandmother’s house because she had the best bread known to man, “WONDERBREAD”! It was like Christmas!

Anyway, wearing masks is starting to feel normal when NEEDING to get out. Yes, for a friggin’ Big Gulp. I know! Some of you think that’s stupid to risk your life over a high carb soda, but dammit I need it! Just like I need those Pall Malls’! They’re both my anxiety medicine. And since I’ve quit drinking in October, 2019, it‘s all I’ve got to relax. So don’t judge me. As I won’t judge you for going into whatever store you go in for “essential“ supplies like whiskey and beer. Which reminds me, that they include liquor stores as “essential“ cracks me up. I mean 6 months ago I would’ve voted hell YES they’re essential! But now, I think not. Yet in Chicago they don’t consider the recreational pot stores essential. Hmm. Ya know? If I still lived in Chicago I’d probably be dead. If not this pandemic? Too much booze and drugs. Oh don’t get me wrong! It would’ve been fun! But I’m not sure how much fun my liver would’ve had. So, to wrap up, I really am enjoying this “stay at home” order. Am I not a nice person for thinking so? I’m not saying I don’t feel bad for lives lost and people sick! I’m just saying, having the government telling me not to leave my house is sort of a dream Ive had since high school. So, for the next few weeks, we’ll remember to stay inside, (except for “essentials“ and Big Gulps) keep our 6 feet distance, (which is also pretty damn cool knowing you don’t have to get into a stupid conversation with strangers about why the price of tacos’ are going up while gas is going down) and remember to wash your hands. Which if I see one more celebrity showing me how to wash my FREAKING HANDS I MAY SCREAM! I actually wash mine WAY more than 20 seconds because I can’t concentrate enough to get to 20 seconds without having to start over. Or completely forget if I used soap. Oh! One more thing, when I AM in the well separated line at 7-Eleven, I CANNOT stop humming the Police song, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”. Stay safe and healthy and I’ll check in with you later! 🎶 Don’t stand so close to Steve...please don’t stand...🎶

Click for Article

#coronavirus #covid19 #biggulp #stayhomestaysafe